Offending smart people on the Web

I never claimed to be particularly learned, intelligent, thoughtful or kind.

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Denial

You will be ashamed of me WordPress. I have pretty much forfeited any attempt at acting like an adult. But then again, this was still a better November than last year’s.

If I were to whinge or complain about the terrible things that happened to me, or scratched at the emotional scabs over mistakes I’ve made, or even told another drunk or sex story, I would be, once again, masking the real truth that I am an addict, as definitively as any substance abuser, and I am merely procrastinating when I will finally stand up and fucking deal with my Internet addiction.

Even right now, I’m going on the internet and complaining about having one, which is so counterproductive you…well, I’m sure you do have some idea. But the countless merging hours that tick by so quickly, until an entire month is completely gone and wasted…I’ve done that before, but I was just a kid. And after I turned 20 and did that, I was unmedicated and mentally ill. Today I saw my shrink and told her I’m more emotionally stable than I have ever been as far back as I can remember. But I’m not happy.

It’s very easy. I log off, shut off my devices, and walk outside. It’s so easy it must sicken you, whoever you are reading this, that I would ever dare to portray it otherwise. Internet addiction is a compulsion. It is psychological. It is not a chemical substance in your veins. There are zero excuses.

The Hat (incomplete Regina/Jefferson “Once Upon a Time” fanfic)

Title: The Hat

Author: bostoneris

Rating: Mature, for one scene (so far)

Fandom: Once Upon a Time

Characters: Jefferson/Wife, Regina/Jefferson, Regina/Leopold

Chapters: I have no idea

Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time or Discworld, nor the characters from them. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Summary: Jefferson was reckless with love and the magic hat he found it with. (Insert more poetic summary here.)

Notes: After Eris wrote “Only Sometimes,” she remembered Regina wasn’t always an awful person. Also she forgot Regina was probably inside Jefferson’s hat once. Also she remembered she likes bad crossovers. Also I’m going to spoil the rhythm with amusing GIFs. Only Archive of Our Own gets serious.

Marriage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Despite her many trips through the hat’s portals, Alice chided her husband for his recklessness. Even though she had become accustomed to, and even took pleasure in, the dizzy rush of it, or allowed herself to step through a hastily opened door or whirling purple tornado, evading some threat – beast or police or other pursuer. Alice, now heavy with child, told him to slow down, take a breath. To place the hat on the floor and carefully rotate it one, two, three times (No place like home), not fling it like some plaything. Magic wasn’t a toy. It seeped into your marrow, down into your soul. It changed you.

Alice couldn’t reconcile the arrogant young man she loved with the creator of such a powerful artifact, but took his word that it was his and he controlled it and he alone, despite the wiggle-room in such truths. The hat was his (theirs, now), because he owned it – or it owned him. Because he kept a hold on it like it was his own child. He held it lightly, twirled it in his hands,  but any friend could tell that he would lose the smirk if it ever dropped.

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You took me on a date to Ankh-Morpork? Are you fucking kidding me?

So last night I jumped from writing a fanfic about Jefferson’s late wife, to writing it about sneaking around cheating on King Leopold, to writing about oral sexy tiems, to writing about Regina wanting to go in the hat, to re-writing my scenario where Jefferson takes her to the Discworld. (Wut.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s more amusing to me with GIFs, and it’s a shame I don’t save Regina ones and just re-blog them like a good Tumblr kid.

Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time or Discworld, nor the characters from them. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

…Regina sucked in a breath – she felt like she’d had the wind knocked out of her – and opened her eyes. Disoriented, she squinted into the dark. She stood inside a large, circular chamber lit by no visible source, its walls covered in doors. Each was the same height, same dimensions, but with a wide variety of styles, materials and elaborate ornamentation.

Regina looked up and perceived there was a ceiling but saw none.

She felt embarrassed at her lack of knowledge and at how much she took Jefferson for granted.

“It’s magnificent.”

Jefferson shrugged. No hat in his hands, Regina reached the conclusion that they were inside it. The portal jumper turned, examining each door, reminding himself which worlds he had access to and recalling the ones to which he was still welcome.

“Take your pick, Regina.”

The sorceress headed for a mirror that looked strangely familiar and left an unsettling feeling in her stomach. She felt Jefferson’s hand on her shoulder, stopping her abruptly. Instinctively, she turned on him, right hand glowing. (She had to stop doing that.)

“What is it?”

“That is Wonderland, and I highly recommended we never go there.”

“Scared?” Regina sneered.

“Practical.”

“It’s just as well,” she said, gazing at her reflection. “It gives me a bad feeling.”

She blushed. Hid it and then gave him a haughty look.

“I fear none of the challenges these lands present me. We will pick the most interesting door and enter that one.”

She marched across the chamber, the usually confident Jefferson trailing her cautiously. Regina wasn’t sure which he feared more – what the natives would do to her, or what she would inflict upon them.

“What is this?” she said, touching a stone door engraved with a ludicrous tableau. It was not the most striking or beautiful, but it was an image of a giant turtle, four elephants astride it, a flat land balanced atop them with a continent, mountains and cascading waterfall. The door seemed to faintly glow purple and green, and she sensed the man behind her relax.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“That is the Discworld. It is a safe enough place. Not very different from our own. If you seek adventure, it will not be found there.”

Regina turned around.

“And why do you say that?”

Jefferson scratched behind his ear. Crossed his arms.

“There’s something you’re not telling me, Hatter.”

The portal jumper clapped his hands together and approached the door.

“You caught me. It’s just…last time I was there, the fabric of reality seemed a little…”

“A little what, Jefferson?”

“Thin.” Jefferson shook his head. “It’s not that I doubt we’d be safe, I’m just wondering if ripping more holes in the Discworld is wise.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regina looked confused.

“But you are not ripping a new hole. This is an already established portal to the realm.”

Jefferson still looked uncertain.

“You’re right. We have nothing to fear. Although the realm may still bore you.”

“We shall see,” she said. “Are you coming or not?”

Jefferson opened the door. An ordinary-looking, foul smelling city lay beyond the threshold.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sorceress stepped through and no passing pedestrians noticed the door they emerged from had an echoing marble chamber of portals behind it. They exited the side door of a wooden building and stepped into a grungy alley. Jefferson shut the door behind them. Underneath a patina of grime, the same symbol – turtle, elephants, disc – was etched in the wood. A surprisingly easy way to find the way home.

“No one will enter it unknowingly, leaving us stranded?”

Jefferson re-opened the door and they peered into a busy kitchen. A cat hissed at them and fled. A large cook, apron covered in either sauce or blood, shot them a glare. Stoves bubbled and a pig roasted on a spit.

Regina held her tongue until they shut it before angrily whispering, “What have you done, Jefferson? Where have you stranded us?”

Jefferson rubbed her upper arm comfortingly. He touched the doorknob again, shutting his eyes and concentrating. He opened it a crack to allow Regina to see into the Portal of Doors.

“See? It’s fine. It is enchanted so you may only find it if you know it’s there.”

Regina pulled away and sighed in exasperation.

“Why could you not place it at the end of the alley like a normal magician?”

“The hat picked a scullery, not I. Come. Let’s explore this land and get back in time for tea.”

“I still don’t know why you think I will not enjoy myself here.”

“Well we’re not stealing anything and I am not letting you kill anyone…”

“I don’t require your permission. Besides, how could you stop me?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“…so that leaves very little else to do. Except get a room and fuck?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Not a chance. The smell of this city is a turn off as it is.”

The pair walked down the street and wandered into a market. Regina felt a sort of static, a feeling like right before a lightning storm, and the air tasted like tin. She felt a tingle in her belly and his flippant offer of sex suddenly didn’t seem so repulsive.

“Can you feel that?” she asked, licking her lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jefferson, with a familiar theatrical flourish, gestured above and pronounced, “Behold, Regina, the Unseen University!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sorceress looked up…

aaaaand Eris forgot to finish the rest of it because it was 2 a.m.

Worst things to ever happen to my productivity

Wrote this on Tumblr

Middle school:

Chat rooms
The Final Fantasy series

High school:

FF.net
LiveJournal
AOL Instant Messenger
Still the Final Fantasy Series

College (called University across the pond):

All these plus Facebook

Working world & grad school:

Facebook
YouTube
Twitter
World of Warcraft

Now:

Tumblr
Tumblr
Tumblr
aaaand Tumblr

This is not good but I’m sure you can relate.

Adding this, because if you know this WordPress blog, you’ll roll your eyes and go…

Or don’t

If you want in on the Discordian Society
then declare yourself what you wish
do what you like
and tell us about it
or
if you prefer
don’t.

There are no rules anywhere.
The Goddess Prevails.

-Malaclypse the Younger, Principia Discordia

Two natures

“It was never true that there was only one Eris (Strife). There have always been two on earth. There is one you could like when you understand her. The other is hateful. The two have separate natures.”

– Hesiod, Works and Days 11 ff (trans. Evelyn-White) (Greek epic C8th or C7th B.C.) 

It’s really as simple as that

“You are single because you are single. It’s really as simple as that. You haven’t made the connection with another heart yet. You can get dolled up, dress cute, cut your hair, dye your hair, tweeze your eyebrows, put on lipstick and you may still. be. single. You can go out to a bar hoping to meet the love of your life and not find a damn one in the place attractive. And it’s going to remain that way until it’s time for you to find one. Stop hoping for it. Start living the life that you do have instead of wishing for things that you don’t have. There will come a time you’ll meet a boy and you’ll have to give up some of this single freedom you currently have. Start being more thankful. Start doing that now.”

-Amanda Crute