Blood Brothers (and Sisters)

I have a bit of a problem when it comes to telling the difference between love and luuurrrrrvvveee.

Once upon a time…there was a family in Chicago…

I’m not sure who my audience here is, but I made a few new friends on Tumblr who I don’t want actually reading my raw, un-processed feels about Once Upon a Time.

I already wrote over there how awesome Shameless was last night, and I have to say here, as well, that OUAT couldn’t hold a candle to the feels I got watching the last bit of the Season 2 marathon. HOLY FUCK those last three episodes were intense. Between Karen’s baby and Monica’s suicide attempt, Fiona losing her chance at a new job and a new life, Mandy’s pregnancy and did I mention every single minute with Monica? My heart was all over the place and tears were pouring down my cheeks. What’s gonna happen now? Hopefully more funny things like the subplot with Jody and Sheila. I hope Sheila’s kinkiness doesn’t break them up. It seemed like they were really falling in love with each other. The subplot with Steve’s wife was funny until Marco hurt her. Now Fiona’s got eight other people under her roof. Augh!

As for Once Upon a Time, I go into this latter half of the season with no particular expectations, except more madness from Tumblr and the Evil Regals. I’m an Evil Regal 4 life, now. But oh my god, it’s just a show. If they’re going to be sexist and redeem Rumplestiltskin, they’ve got to go back and redeem Regina too. They’ve worked A LOT HARDER to show the humanity beneath her. That was in this fucking episode!! Snow White believing she could be good, then doing that “test” Rumple suggested. Evil Queen Regina was the worst, I’m sorry. She really was all over the place with her hatred. Now in Storybrooke, she’s trying to be a good woman, and Cora, that fucking mental case, has ruined it all. Irrevocably. Even when Archie comes back (someone’s gonna rescue him, it’s television conventions, since they didn’t actually have the balls to kill him), Henry will still be so affected by the revelation – no matter how false – that his mother is a murderer.

I know people from adoptive families – parents and children – are up in arms, and have been since the very beginning of the series, about the Emma x Regina x Henry plot, but I still don’t bear any disgust for Mama Bear Emma (or Snow and Charming, who by the way, are gross, but adorably gross. Seriously get a fucking wall, oh my god). Maybe my sister would, I don’t know. I had friends in school who were from adoptive families (what do you call them? just plain “families,” actually) and I was adopted too, sort of, but the Shameless plot with Fiona and Monica is much more close to home. Then again, watching Monica, I am filled with pity and disgust, and more than a little bit of loathing. My mother was closer to Fiona in the parenting spectrum than Monica. Karen throwing her own child away (and the grandmother taking him) was also very different. Monica didn’t try at all. She earned money, she kept her own “squirrel fund.” I don’t know how broke she made herself buying tons of overpriced toys for me – as many as she could carry in one car – like Monica did for Debbie in her manic state. I still have a strong feeling my mother kept enough aside for rent. For one thing, she never stole her money. (I don’t know if “never” is the right word, but I have a suspicion that if she ever did anything illegal to get money, it was possibly selling drugs? I’ve made up a whole disgusting history of my mother’s secret life based on like three facts. I’m the disgusting one by wondering. Maybe. Possibly.) My mother never bought cars out of nowhere and I bet she even tried to get her expensive drugs on discount. My mother tried to change, my grandmother insists – more like Regina than Monica, who doesn’t make any effort whatsoever.

The thing about Monica that is so heartbreaking is Frank really does, truly love her. Frank can’t hold himself together any more than she can, however. But she has manic depression. He’s just a flat-out drug addict. He can’t even comprehend the depths of her depression. Frank can’t ever handle anything, so he walks out when she slits her wrists and leaves Fiona to deal with it. All he can do is desperately think up schemes to rescue his wife, while never addressing the real problem at all. It’s no wonder she runs off with Jenna Elfman’s character at the end. Monica’s misery is always tangled up with her family. Just avoiding them is her escape.

I should re-watch Season 2. I forget why Monica came back at all. Was it for her mother-in-law’s money?

Fiona is amazing, and Emmy Rossum is amazing, and even with that terrible accent she acts circles around everyone else in the whole goddamn show and oh man I’m tearing up just thinking about that scene where she finds the squirrel money gone and the house in disarray. She takes off her jacket and gets to cleaning, in those heels of hers and fancy skirt, her new job blown by her responsibilities and her disgustingly irresponsible parents.

I could say so much about Shameless and I probably will start writing about that, instead, when it resumes next week. Although Californication is actually a cheerier addition to my TV lineup this spring. And it has Tim Minchin and Maggie Grace in it this season, which should be interesting.

I feel kinda like Californication has dragged on too long. This is its sixth season! But I can’t get enough of David Duchovny. He IS Hank Moody and he IS Fox Mulder, and while being pigeonholed as only two characters, he had the blessing of it being two polar opposites. God bless Tom Kapinos and the casting directors of that show. Duchovny got his groove back.

Holy fuck, I still can’t believe it’s the sixth season.

I also still can’t believe I’m 28 and still living with my parents making less than minimum wage and writing about TV shows, instead of living hard in LA making TV shows.

As for Once Upon a Time, the scene of Snow and Charming’s kids walking in on them fucking should have evoked more laughs and horror from me, instead of my mental calculations going…











“IT’S THE NEXT DAY? So that means there WAS time for Regina and Jefferson to fuck!”


Not that my dialogue – (and every single other piece of dialogue and every dialogue and thing ever) – in “The Scent of Apples” wasn’t still inaccurate and terrible. There’s no way Tom Clark is going to associate himself with the other six dwarves. Also, Regina’s day hanging around her house feeling sorry for herself would have, in canon, gone more like this: 

Regina gets no text from Henry.

Regina gets text from Emma.

Regina makes lasagna with red pepper flakes. 








But then again, there’s still this

Regina wakes up hungover on couch

Jefferson gets the fuck out of there as fast as possible

Regina is sad like “yeah? well fuck you”








There’s always some way to shoe-horn fanfiction in. I refuse to see any of it jossed…

And they talk back

“Fanfiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop-culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker. They don’t do it for money. That’s not what it’s about. The writers write it and put it up online just for the satisfaction. They’re fans, but they’re not silent, couchbound consumers of media. The culture talks to them, and they talk back to the culture in its own language.”
– Lev Grossman

Things too embarrassing to say on Tumblr

You would think it was the other way around.

Anyway, I don’t know why it’s hard to get out of the fanon or head!canon or whatever it’s called from my series Some Kind of Madness. A large part of me wishes I hadn’t written it at all. IF Jefferson returns to the show (Once Upon a Time) and ever interacts with Regina again, my face is gonna turn bright flaming red, for reals.

Everything I wrote goes against the grain of canon anyway, but the two I wrote that take place during Season 2 are the most unlikely and have been jossed. Then again, every fanfic I find on Archive of Our Own keeps getting jossed anyway. That’s the point. Every fanfic, by its very nature is AU. That’s the fun of it. Keeping characters IC, however, is not something I am very good at. BUT, if they were strictly IC, would they get entangled in the situations we put them in at all?

Next episode, when OUAT returns from its winter hiatus, we are thrown back into the same night we left. Much like my weird, OOC dubcon fanfic The Scent of Apples, we continue exactly where we left off: the party the night Snow and Emma return from the Enchanted Forest. Instead of getting trashed with Jefferson (who, in canon, would stay home with Grace anyway, were he staying in character), she makes lasagna and brings it to the party.

i shouldn’t be embarrassed, however. How am I any different than any other fanfic writer setting her OUAT fics in present season Storybrooke? I’m not, so I shouldn’t worry.

New Year’s Resolution – Be a more interesting blogger

I was always of the “Jot down whatever the fuck you’re thinking” school of writing, but this is quite clearly not an effective form of communication. LiveJournal seemed like a good idea at the time because I was sixteen at the time. It was a public (my grandmother tore her hair out for years over me airing all my dirty laundry all over the Internet) forum by which I could tell the story of my life to anyone who wanted to read it (which was no one, but they all had the option) – as it was happening! I came to realize, of course, that LiveJournal, along with every blog on the World Wide Web, is an egotistical/narcissistic/exhibitionist form of expression that is really not interesting to read nor it is a particularly good habit to get into. ON THE OTHER HAND…when you’re talking about shows or sex or other things from experience…








Well, yes, Eris. Didn’t The Blogger say to you that tense day back in February, while you furiously texted her from your favorite diner…That you should start a blog that’s about something. Something you care about like vulvodynia or mental illness or even movie reviews? Isn’t hers a comedic sex blog? You yourself search for blogs by topic









Ultimately it always came down to me just writing diaries, and then getting so good at it (this current entry not withstanding) that I thought I might as well shout it out. Like in that cartoon making fun of Twitter…

I was doing a chain letter/survey/blog/game thing (goddamn, you can only guess how much that reminds me of MySpace and LiveJournal) and trying to figure out who to tag/forward it to, and I discovered that the people Following me (I felt really awkward tagging any of the BNF’s I follow) have just as pointless blogs as mine. So it’s nothing to feel bad about, over there.










Then again, I was talking to the Scientist and just asking people their New Year’s Resolutions, like I was doing at work today (where I discovered my coworker only got 3 hours of sleep and was sort of just stumbling around in a daze as my fellow cashier for five hours). Anyway, I was like, “What the fuck do I do, anyway?” And he’s like, “Well, you need to find the sort of publications you like, and write shit for them, and then submit it.” He said it nicer than that, but it’s essentially the same thing all my previous writing professors said before…







But I’m like, “Noooo, that’s too much effort…”











Like a lot of things I decide to never try, even before I fail them…







…WTF was I saying? Oh, yeah. I was going through my huge, new GIF folder trying to play with animated GIFs to illustrate my thoughts, and got distracted by shiny things, like I always do…









I mean seriously, I stole have some great GIFs. Like ones of my OTP. Watch Regina’s face…












She’s having none of that Mad Queen crap.

And then there’s this guy. I don’t even know what’s happening here:










But as you probably know, my self-deprecation this early into the year is…

Well, it’s not just starting the year off on the wrong foot. It’s starting the year off on the wrong…leg. (I need to fucking sleep, don’t I?)

I was quite cheerful and happy at work today! Goddamn, that’s rare! I felt all sorts of hope and warm feelings about the new year, as though this symbolic change of the calendar were some kind of magic in and of itself. (Except the fact that I owe $1,500 a.s.a.p and really wish I hadn’t bought those three dildos when one would have sufficed. That would have been $100 back in my pocket. One of many humiliating things I’ve decided to tell the whole Internet: I was like the Goldilocks of dildos this December.)

Another private thing I told the whole Internet – Over on Tumblr, this girl was writing about the poor representation of psychology and psychiatry in Once Upon a Time, arguing that they’ve done it a disservice by using it as a plot device, and not only that, but portraying it as a punishment for Henry and something only the “bad” characters need (when Regina goes to Archie for advice later on). Whereas all the Charmings could certainly use some help. (Not necessarily from Archie, who is a mess himself, but his knowledge for sure. She says in her entry that they can all use help, and that as far as she knows, you don’t have to be mentally ill to need or get use out of therapy, and you shouldn’t be seen as “weak” for needing it either. I agreed, but told her and her Followers I had to put my own two cents in because she concluded her entry with the clarification that she’s still a teenager learning from her textbooks in Psych 101. So I was like, “Well honey, here’s a story for you…” and wrote about bipolar, being conditioned that seeking psychologists is weak or unnecessary, and also the feeling of being defective and “crazy” that you can sometimes feel from being sent to or being in therapy. Parents who don’t think their children even need it. Children who don’t think they need it either.

I was a lot more eloquent over there, swear to God, but you get my meaning. 99% I spend my time on Tumblr playing around re-blogging fandom shit, and then 1% I’m writing fanfiction or saying the occasional interesting thing. Sometimes people message me like, “Your blog is so funny!” By sometimes, I mean twice. But anyway, I’m like, “Seriously? It is full of the most random shit to ever grace God’s green earth…”


Last post for real

I have different theories floating around in my head now for how they “know” each other… 

(As you all roll your eyes and groan and go, “omg there is a war breaking out in the middle east, your best friend is miserable, you are in ridiculous debt and you have a bad cold, your grandfather’s brother just died and your ex is back in town for Thanksgiving to make life awkward, why the fuck are you still talking about Once Upon a Time?”)

I know you can backtrack in your own ‘shippy fanfiction but in a way it seems strange. I don’t know why it seems strange. It just does.

Not that you, Eris, need to even share any of it. (Believe it or not, my WordPress peeps, people on AO3 really did read my trinity of fics and commented they were pretty good.) I suppose I can revise my headcanon because that’s what you do with a show like this and, I imagine, people in fandom used to do with “Lost.”

By its very nature of unraveling its characters’ pasts via flashback, and unveiling the mysteries of The Island, dragging it out season after season, it wasn’t just ficcers who scratched their heads and came up with wild headcanon (which used to be called “fanon,” but whatever). I wasn’t in “Lost” fandom and didn’t read its fanfiction at the time. I don’t know how similar the experience is, but even based on my limited experience loving and following “Lost” for its final three seasons, I can see the parallels.

Despite the fact I find countless fics on the Web that are OOC, it is still really bugging me mine are too. Which is odd, since, as I’ve reminded myself many times before, nothing prevented me from writing my own goofy fanfiction for various fandoms in the past.

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Hat Trick re-watch: Mad Swan, bad acting, and passable CGI

Wrote this on Tumblr:

I wrote back in late March, according to my WordPress blog (which is a memoir-ish real-life-ish pseudonym-filled thing my real life friends/family would hate because I tell mine and everyone’s dirty secrets, because that’s what writers do), I finally sat up and began paying attention to Once Upon a Time because I had written, years earlier, a story about a woman with two histories in her head. One of a different (past) world, and one of the present, and she becomes increasingly confused which is real.

Ginnifer Goodwin, however, was the reason I got into Once Upon a Time when it premiered. Also because I love Disney, fantasy, sci-fi, and lame ABC shows written by the people from Lost. 

I say in my March entry that it was a “mediocre” show, which it still is, in my opinion, but I stole, apparently, some GIFs from Tumblr (ohhh, so I was on Tumblr back then) of Jefferson, the scene where he tells Emma, getting all up in her face (no wonder Jennifer and Sebastian banged in real life) that “conflicting realities” will drive you crazy.

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‘Ship List (Why are we fascinated by romance and sex?)

Wrote this on Tumblr:

Because I have the uncanny ability to transform myself back into a 16 year old girl, here’s a list of ‘ships:

Old ‘Ships

Cid Highwind/Tifa Lockheart – I can’t for the life of me remember why. I think it was this epic, amazing fanfic I read years ago.

Reeve Tuesti/Yuffie Kisaragi – Because they’re total opposites but they used to hang out when he was Cait Sith and he’s a hot dude in real life and eventually she turns 18 and he needs to lighten the fuck up and she’s the head of his core of spies anyway.

Auron/Rikku – Gross gross gross, but I read this amazing fanfic about it. I am gross.

Auron/Braska/Jecht – Because they are the slashiest.

Cloud/Zack – Practically canon. (Cloud/Sephiroth was so overdone it made my eyes roll to the back of my head.)

Discord/Ares/Strife/Deimos – Why? Because they’re incestuous as fuck and it’s just a fact.

Andrew/Warren – Why? Because it was practically canon. (Ok, so Andrew’s abiding fucked up love was canon. Warren’s was not.)

Buffy/Spike – Because it was toyed with so long and then happened in Season 6 and I and everyone cheered at yet another fucked up but amazing ‘ship.

Angel/Spike/Drusilla/Darla –  (But Angel and Spike have never been intimate! Apart from that one time…)

Xena/Ares – Because even Xena and Gabrielle’s love can’t erase the oodles of UST that was, in fact, canon. Ares’ abiding fucked up love for Xena was canon. Xena’s occasional make-outs with him were, too. Come on, people. You can hate him all you want, but they are smoking hot together. (RIP Kevin Smith)

Frodo/Sam – Because they have been slashy since 1954.

Merry/Pippin – Because incest is best.

Ford/Arthur – He rescues Arthur from the Vogons and then endures his bullshit for years. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. (Platonic love, but Ford’s pansexual in my head!canon, anyway.)

Moderately Old ‘Ships

Starbuck/Leoben – Because it is impossible for me to like any pairing that’s remotely healthy.

Baltar/Every Six ever, but mostly Caprica – Because it is impossible for…etc etc, see above. And it was canon anyway.

Luigi/Amber – Obscure movie. More incest. So wrong. Very likely. (Not if you used to read “Luigi’s” old Twitter feed, however, where he pretty much explicitly stated Pavi was just kidding.)

Doctor/Romana – Because it happened, dammit! Even if it’s not canon, we know it was. But that’s probably because he acted ‘shippy with Lala Ward ‘cuz they were married. (Fun Fact: Lala Ward and Baker divorced. Later she married Richard Dawkins. Yes, big time atheist guy. I sort of met him one time.)

Doctor/Sarah Jane – Didn’t happen, but now we know she was in love with him her whole life. Sarah!! /hugs

Doctor/Rose – Because it’s canon and they’re darling. But now I want to punch them in the face. Yes, we know, we know. Your true loves are, basically, your late wife (I assume), Rose and your new wife. (And River will pretty much out-do the other two because she’s stuck in an epic time loop with you.)

Doctor/Donna – Because it squicks everyone in Doctor Who fandom ever.

Doctor/Amy – Because we were all in denial and that’s why fanfiction exists anyway.

Doctor/Master – Because it’s obvious.

Xev/Stan – Because someone has to squick out everyone else in the world, and that person is me. This would even squick out Xev and Stan, and Stan spent the entire series trying to get her to fuck him. I think the shock of her actually doing so would do him in.

Fairly Recent ‘Ships

Jeff/Annie – Because it’s canon and it needs to happen for real and I suspect the show will end with it happening but it’ll really end with Jeff/Britta happening and I will cry.

Regina/Jefferson – Because it happened, dammit! And if not, it still happened in my fanfiction.

Brodie/Carrie – Because I can’t ever like a functional couple ever.

Annie/Mitchell – Because they were a lovely, tragic couple and now they’re both dead and make me cry.

Hal/Cutler – Totally banged once. It was rough and there was biting but Cutler loved it. Yup. I should write that fanfic.

Eric/Sookie – I am unapologetically Team Eric, which is pointless now since Bill is a demon and it’s obviously Team Eric from here on out, so…

Jaina/Thrall – Come on. Totally tragic.

Rincewind/anyone – Because that guy deserves to get laid.


Nick/Jess, from New Girl!


Nancy/Andy, from Weeds – Because of their bond…which was sooo dysfunctional

Bernard/Fran, from Black Books – Because it’s criminal

Roy/Jen, from The IT Crowd – Because it would never work but I wrote fanfiction anyway

Tim/Daisy, from Spaced – Because it’s quirky love

Vince/Howard, from The Mighty Boosh – Because they’re slashy

Jess/Jason, from True Blood – Because they…they…They care about each other and are drop dead gorgeous! (Also, apparently, Jess got over her hymen issue with him. Um…Retcon, maybe.)