Blood Brothers (and Sisters)

I have a bit of a problem when it comes to telling the difference between love and luuurrrrrvvveee.

They say…

…that when you’re writing something, you need to be willing to, if necessary, cut a whole mess of it out in subsequent drafts, to make it work better. That includes passages you really like and don’t want to part with. If they don’t serve the story, they need to be nixed. It’s something that more obvious in film than in prose, because we are (and I am) so used to prose rambling on and on.

But my favorite prose is that which conveys its message succinctly. What could take me a paragraph to get across may take someone else only a well crafted sentence.

There was something else that I shouldn’t have tried to tackle, never mind spaced it out into multiple paragraphs instead of merely implying it with, say, one.

There’s two topics I should never have touched with a ten foot pole in that fanfiction I wrote:

[trigger warning – rape]

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The Cricket Game (Hate the game, not the player)

What can I say? Regina, my baby, you poor thing! Cora is a monster.

I was glad Archie ain’t dead.

Emma, seriously, memories of a dog?

Another thing I forgot – Ruby can talk to dogs and she gets along with them really well.

Blue Fairy jumped outta that fucking tree with a snowball. It was so fast I was like, “What?”


That poor guy with the fish!

Who got killed in Archie’s office, then?

WTF, Rumple in the promo for next week, you can make a potion to cross the town line? What is that shit? Are you really going on a road trip with Emma? That will be ridiculous.

Emma and Regina – I think I already said, before, that I’m not offended by Emma declaring Henry is her son and not Regina’s. I suppose it’s because it doesn’t cut close to home with me. It would if I were in that situation – a parent, or the child. Especially if I were the parent.

In fact, I like Emma trying to be more motherly. And look, she doesn’t know anything about child rearing, and she admits that herself. Snow and David admit it, too. But I like to see Emma trying.

You gotta remember, they don’t live in the United States anymore. They don’t live under the rules of law. David’s their prince again. It’s a monarchy, LOL.

Besides, any chance Regina had of taking Henry back was dashed when Cora framed her for murder and Emma told Henry his mom was guilty. That boy and his mother ain’t being reunited any time soon. Let’s hold out hope for Season 3.

Let’s hold out hope for a lot of things happening in Season 3.

I got into a stupid-sounding conversation the other day with people about Jefferson/Sebastian. It was clearly pointed out that Sebastian isn’t available – he’s doing other shit – and that’s the only reason they had to rewrite Season 2 to cut him out of it. But I still stand by the assertion that the way they wrote him out makes sense: He wants nothing to do with that shit. Someone pointed out he would work a lot harder to help David if Sebastian HAD been able to do more episodes this season. But that man isn’t helping nobody until he helps himself.







My poor crazy bb!

Then again, that’s before he saw Grace again.

Sebastian Stan as Jefferson The Mad Hatter on Once Upon A Time Season 2 Lady of the Lake 9 Jefferson and Grace














Father and daughter finally reunited!







There’s this fanfic that takes place in a Archie’s-Not-Dead world (see, everytime we write fanfiction it gets jossed in the next episode) where Emma runs into Jefferson and he’s like 85% more sane. I forget where I found it or where it went, but she runs into him and is like, “Holy shit you’re alive?” and he’s like, “Yup,” and she’s like, “And you’re not batshit crazy?” and he’s like, “Nope.”

Then he’s like, “Oh btw Ruby says I’m a DILF. That girl’s pretty silly, huh?”








Then Emma is all like…











And then Jefferson’s all like…












“…We should go horseback riding later.”


And then Emma’s all like…










None of that was in the episode, nor does any of it have to do with Archie…













But then again, everyone and their brother is going to be talking about what happened in “The Cricket Game” anyway. And I will read it. Oh yes, I shall.

Once upon a time…there was a family in Chicago…

I’m not sure who my audience here is, but I made a few new friends on Tumblr who I don’t want actually reading my raw, un-processed feels about Once Upon a Time.

I already wrote over there how awesome Shameless was last night, and I have to say here, as well, that OUAT couldn’t hold a candle to the feels I got watching the last bit of the Season 2 marathon. HOLY FUCK those last three episodes were intense. Between Karen’s baby and Monica’s suicide attempt, Fiona losing her chance at a new job and a new life, Mandy’s pregnancy and did I mention every single minute with Monica? My heart was all over the place and tears were pouring down my cheeks. What’s gonna happen now? Hopefully more funny things like the subplot with Jody and Sheila. I hope Sheila’s kinkiness doesn’t break them up. It seemed like they were really falling in love with each other. The subplot with Steve’s wife was funny until Marco hurt her. Now Fiona’s got eight other people under her roof. Augh!

As for Once Upon a Time, I go into this latter half of the season with no particular expectations, except more madness from Tumblr and the Evil Regals. I’m an Evil Regal 4 life, now. But oh my god, it’s just a show. If they’re going to be sexist and redeem Rumplestiltskin, they’ve got to go back and redeem Regina too. They’ve worked A LOT HARDER to show the humanity beneath her. That was in this fucking episode!! Snow White believing she could be good, then doing that “test” Rumple suggested. Evil Queen Regina was the worst, I’m sorry. She really was all over the place with her hatred. Now in Storybrooke, she’s trying to be a good woman, and Cora, that fucking mental case, has ruined it all. Irrevocably. Even when Archie comes back (someone’s gonna rescue him, it’s television conventions, since they didn’t actually have the balls to kill him), Henry will still be so affected by the revelation – no matter how false – that his mother is a murderer.

I know people from adoptive families – parents and children – are up in arms, and have been since the very beginning of the series, about the Emma x Regina x Henry plot, but I still don’t bear any disgust for Mama Bear Emma (or Snow and Charming, who by the way, are gross, but adorably gross. Seriously get a fucking wall, oh my god). Maybe my sister would, I don’t know. I had friends in school who were from adoptive families (what do you call them? just plain “families,” actually) and I was adopted too, sort of, but the Shameless plot with Fiona and Monica is much more close to home. Then again, watching Monica, I am filled with pity and disgust, and more than a little bit of loathing. My mother was closer to Fiona in the parenting spectrum than Monica. Karen throwing her own child away (and the grandmother taking him) was also very different. Monica didn’t try at all. She earned money, she kept her own “squirrel fund.” I don’t know how broke she made herself buying tons of overpriced toys for me – as many as she could carry in one car – like Monica did for Debbie in her manic state. I still have a strong feeling my mother kept enough aside for rent. For one thing, she never stole her money. (I don’t know if “never” is the right word, but I have a suspicion that if she ever did anything illegal to get money, it was possibly selling drugs? I’ve made up a whole disgusting history of my mother’s secret life based on like three facts. I’m the disgusting one by wondering. Maybe. Possibly.) My mother never bought cars out of nowhere and I bet she even tried to get her expensive drugs on discount. My mother tried to change, my grandmother insists – more like Regina than Monica, who doesn’t make any effort whatsoever.

The thing about Monica that is so heartbreaking is Frank really does, truly love her. Frank can’t hold himself together any more than she can, however. But she has manic depression. He’s just a flat-out drug addict. He can’t even comprehend the depths of her depression. Frank can’t ever handle anything, so he walks out when she slits her wrists and leaves Fiona to deal with it. All he can do is desperately think up schemes to rescue his wife, while never addressing the real problem at all. It’s no wonder she runs off with Jenna Elfman’s character at the end. Monica’s misery is always tangled up with her family. Just avoiding them is her escape.

I should re-watch Season 2. I forget why Monica came back at all. Was it for her mother-in-law’s money?

Fiona is amazing, and Emmy Rossum is amazing, and even with that terrible accent she acts circles around everyone else in the whole goddamn show and oh man I’m tearing up just thinking about that scene where she finds the squirrel money gone and the house in disarray. She takes off her jacket and gets to cleaning, in those heels of hers and fancy skirt, her new job blown by her responsibilities and her disgustingly irresponsible parents.

I could say so much about Shameless and I probably will start writing about that, instead, when it resumes next week. Although Californication is actually a cheerier addition to my TV lineup this spring. And it has Tim Minchin and Maggie Grace in it this season, which should be interesting.

I feel kinda like Californication has dragged on too long. This is its sixth season! But I can’t get enough of David Duchovny. He IS Hank Moody and he IS Fox Mulder, and while being pigeonholed as only two characters, he had the blessing of it being two polar opposites. God bless Tom Kapinos and the casting directors of that show. Duchovny got his groove back.

Holy fuck, I still can’t believe it’s the sixth season.

I also still can’t believe I’m 28 and still living with my parents making less than minimum wage and writing about TV shows, instead of living hard in LA making TV shows.

As for Once Upon a Time, the scene of Snow and Charming’s kids walking in on them fucking should have evoked more laughs and horror from me, instead of my mental calculations going…











“IT’S THE NEXT DAY? So that means there WAS time for Regina and Jefferson to fuck!”


Not that my dialogue – (and every single other piece of dialogue and every dialogue and thing ever) – in “The Scent of Apples” wasn’t still inaccurate and terrible. There’s no way Tom Clark is going to associate himself with the other six dwarves. Also, Regina’s day hanging around her house feeling sorry for herself would have, in canon, gone more like this: 

Regina gets no text from Henry.

Regina gets text from Emma.

Regina makes lasagna with red pepper flakes. 








But then again, there’s still this

Regina wakes up hungover on couch

Jefferson gets the fuck out of there as fast as possible

Regina is sad like “yeah? well fuck you”








There’s always some way to shoe-horn fanfiction in. I refuse to see any of it jossed…

And they talk back

“Fanfiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop-culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker. They don’t do it for money. That’s not what it’s about. The writers write it and put it up online just for the satisfaction. They’re fans, but they’re not silent, couchbound consumers of media. The culture talks to them, and they talk back to the culture in its own language.”
– Lev Grossman

Things too embarrassing to say on Tumblr

You would think it was the other way around.

Anyway, I don’t know why it’s hard to get out of the fanon or head!canon or whatever it’s called from my series Some Kind of Madness. A large part of me wishes I hadn’t written it at all. IF Jefferson returns to the show (Once Upon a Time) and ever interacts with Regina again, my face is gonna turn bright flaming red, for reals.

Everything I wrote goes against the grain of canon anyway, but the two I wrote that take place during Season 2 are the most unlikely and have been jossed. Then again, every fanfic I find on Archive of Our Own keeps getting jossed anyway. That’s the point. Every fanfic, by its very nature is AU. That’s the fun of it. Keeping characters IC, however, is not something I am very good at. BUT, if they were strictly IC, would they get entangled in the situations we put them in at all?

Next episode, when OUAT returns from its winter hiatus, we are thrown back into the same night we left. Much like my weird, OOC dubcon fanfic The Scent of Apples, we continue exactly where we left off: the party the night Snow and Emma return from the Enchanted Forest. Instead of getting trashed with Jefferson (who, in canon, would stay home with Grace anyway, were he staying in character), she makes lasagna and brings it to the party.

i shouldn’t be embarrassed, however. How am I any different than any other fanfic writer setting her OUAT fics in present season Storybrooke? I’m not, so I shouldn’t worry.

So apparently this happened (Teenage Eris’ Hobbit Slashfics)

subject: 2002 – hobbitslash!
eventtime: 2003-07-10 16:23:00
itemid: 170
Tags: lord of the rings, prose, fanfiction, merry/pippin, slash

We begin our tale on a clear and crisp spring morning in the Shire. Birds sang melodically just outside of Brandyhall and crickets ceased their chirping. Meriadoc Brandybuck rolled over and snorted in his sleep. A daring lone fly buzzed past the yawning mouth of Peregrin Took. The sun rose slowly, as though apprehensive of the events that were to transpire.