So apparently this happened (Teenage Eris’ Hobbit Slashfics)

subject: 2002 – hobbitslash!
eventtime: 2003-07-10 16:23:00
itemid: 170
Tags: lord of the rings, prose, fanfiction, merry/pippin, slash

We begin our tale on a clear and crisp spring morning in the Shire. Birds sang melodically just outside of Brandyhall and crickets ceased their chirping. Meriadoc Brandybuck rolled over and snorted in his sleep. A daring lone fly buzzed past the yawning mouth of Peregrin Took. The sun rose slowly, as though apprehensive of the events that were to transpire.


Lord of the Rings: Return of the King flashback – December 2003/January 2004

Our story begins with my purchase of The Two Towers on DVD.

Icon: way too easily amused
subject: *turns into Strong Bad* The Two Towers special D v D
eventtime: 2003-11-30 13:37:00
itemid: 2966
There are a shitload of deleted scenes, just like with Fellowship, which I wish they hadn’t cut out and am glad were put back in. I understand that a person doesn’t want to sit in a movie theater for four hours, so yeah, the movie was trimmed a bit.And my favorite scene they cut out? Merry and Pippin (nach) after the battle at Isengard finding some poor soul’s secret stash of pipeweed…the best in South Farthing! I cannot believe this is just tobacco, the way those hobbits’ faces lit up and they made all kinds of excuses of why they shouldn’t tell anybody about their find. And an ent like walks over and sees all this smoke pouring out of this dilapidated house along with giggling. Merry and Pippin are total stoners. lol. I heart them muchly.

I ask if it’s December 17th yet, which is the premiere of Return of the King. Then I talk about stalking my ex-boyfriend JP, or something.

Then I have a crisis of faith about being an English major. (Duh.)

I write out some fantasies of murdering my roommate and share them with the Internet.

The night I picked a fight with those three cigarette smoker girls after the buses stop running happens. (I even remembered that without reading the entry!) I recall I crawled into The Stoner’s bed and tried to hoard his body heat and radiator. The radiator always bugged him because it was right next to his mattress.

HAHA, OMG! Then the incident happened – one I was recalling recently – when The Stoner put a fake parking sticker on his car, it got towed, I didn’t have a car, so we took the bus together to pay the fine and then go get it back from the impound lot, at night, with no idea how to get there.

I don’t understand why I’m perfectly calm and cool while other people’s worlds are falling apart, and I freak out/break down when stupid little shit happens to me. Hmm…It was kind of funny, but [The Stoner] really is hurting. *sigh*

Dominic Monaghan and Orlando Bloom “quite randomly kiss.” (I suspect it was to make fun of all the RPS.)


Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers flashback – December 2002/January 2003

Let’s see what turns up…
Icon: aw man
subject: oh, I can die now
eventtime: 2002-12-21 11:01:00
itemid: 2035

By the way, (good) highlights of the week:

-I applied to college
-The Mall Show didn’t suck
-Winterfest didn’t suck
-Andrea (!!!) admitting that she too thinks Frodo and Sam are soooo doing it
-[Joel] in drag

-[Joel] in drag again??? =)
[me]: Re:
heh heh heh

“Just Shut Up” by Gyzym

“Just Shut Up” is one of the many great essays/blog entries I was referring to in my entry “Offending Smart People On the Web.”

The Kid said to me recently, over Facebook chat, after the new Doctor Who Christmas Special came out, that we/I shouldn’t pick apart entertainment so closely. It is not to be examined and pulled apart critically. I had been upset about Steven Moffat’s treatment of female characters in his writing.

I recently read a VERY good essay on Tumblr about racism, but this one here is about gender. The one on racism wasn’t film criticism, it was about real life situations and how white people should stop claiming we can ever understand what it is like to be black. To stop getting touchy when we are told we are being offensive. I have to work on that.

But I am a woman. It’s not the same, but it’s relevant to this essay here.

Anyway, I told him the story of my Literary Criticism professor sophomore year of undergrad. We were all very frustrated and having a lot of trouble with her version of literary criticism. I was quite familiar with reading for “fun,” and I think, by that point, had been introduced to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series by my neighbor Sam. Those books saved my life, I still attest. Regardless of the fact Pratchett is a master of satire, I still didn’t get into any nitty gritty examinations of anything when reading him. I just flipped through and laughed and enjoyed myself. So anyway, we notice that our professor’s books – her personal books – are filled with scribbled notes. We ask her what it is, and she says it’s her notes (duh) about what she’s reading. My classmate asks her, “Don’t you ever just read for fun?” She seemed VERY confused about that. “This is my fun.”

The Kid disagrees. I asked him why on Earth he went to film school, then. He clarified it wasn’t for film criticism.

Anyway, I finally looked at my old LiveJournal entries (ya think?) and it turns out, I have matured quite a bit. Not in my personal life, but at the very least in how I consume media. Uh, mostly. Yeah, mostly. So these kind of things are not things I’m very good at writing, but I’m pretty good at going…









Though mostly my family won’t listen. They insist that racism is not their concern, and that women should get back in the kitchen. (Okay, not the latter, really. But sometimes I wonder.)

Mostly my preamble ruins this essay, so I’m just gonna shut up (ha!) and link it.

One thing that was always startling to me as a child was how fucked up many of the movies I loved turned out to be, if you examined them critically. Beauty and the Beast had always been the most problematic of the Disney canon. In all the other “princess” movies, the girl has little goal other than to “find a man,” but they go to their mates willingly. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel is so desperate, a vile sorceress is easily able to manipulate her into selling her soul, basically. This is Ariel’s choice, for the most part, although she is just a child (a teenager is still a child) and doesn’t understand that a personality clash with her father is not quite as, well, huge as forfeiting her entire identity, and leaving her species and her home, for a man who doesn’t know her and doesn’t even love her.

But it is still Ariel’s choice.

Belle has no choice, and once I was old enough to understand (very, very late, considering I’d seen the film when I was a little girl), it was clear Belle had no choice and no agency. That this blogger is right, and academics who discussed it have been right, and even anybody watching it and arching their eyebrow and going, “The fuck is this?” are right – The Beast abuses Belle and the film tells us it’s okay, because she will be able to “change” him! It paints Gaston as a rapist, but still fails to paint the Beast as an abuser. It’s obvious he’s a villain to start with, but the moral of the story is that people are “good” underneath their ugly exteriors. True, the Beast learns to let Belle go, but were it real life, Belle would thank him and get the fuck out of there and not fucking go back. Okay, okay, so she goes back to save his life from that douchenozzle Gaston, but True Love’s Kiss? Really? Really?

Much like The Kid, however, I get annoyed and defensive when people criticize the things I love, as the fem theory students learned in the classroom that day. Does that mean I can’t like it? I wonder. Or is recognizing its problems enough? 

Well, for one thing, we can’t tell people not to criticize. If people didn’t pick media apart…

We can argue for media that doesn’t push the horrible shit we need to unlearn as a society to get to a healthier place, or we can point out the flaws in our preexisting media, or we can do both. But “Just shut up,” isn’t an option. “Just shut up,” can’t be an option, because we can’t keep playing the “Nobody told me because nobody told them,” card. Nothing will ever get better that way. Nothing will ever improve if we keep not telling people this shit.

Blah blah, anyway, I was never good at this sort of thing, so I’ll just finally link this. And also, like I told The Kid, sometimes an issue needs me to see it in something like a story – a movie – first…

Just Shut Up…

I was just thinking about The Hobbit, was reading about LOTR, and then remembered to dig this up…

The night I (technically) lost my virginity was the night Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring premiered!

But the film premiered in my hometown and in wide release on Christmas Day. I didn’t write about actually seeing the film until the day after Christmas.

subject: Frodo and Samwise are doin’ it, I swear on me mother’s goat
eventtime: 2001-12-26 00:39:00
itemid: 902
Music: We Wish You A Merry Christmas……gweeeeehee…

Me and [JP] saw “Lord of the Rings” tonight and it was jeece and a half thrown into a blender with Moses, Jachariah, and Abigail Williams. I also found some slash to celebrate. Yeehaw.

Yeeeeeeea, thats exactly what Juan leaned over and said to me about 90 times during the damn movie… heh.
What, about Sam and Frodo? lol

[nathan]: Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhhhh.
Friend: “The movie was fast paced. They couldn’t fit Tom Bobbindale in.. If he did, it’d be.. ‘Meesa Tom Bobbindale! Meesa no like-a dat Sauron!”.. Hehehehehehhehehehhehehehe. ^^
[me]: Re: Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhhhh.
Sauron’s a bitch.

‘Ship List (Why are we fascinated by romance and sex?)

Wrote this on Tumblr:

Because I have the uncanny ability to transform myself back into a 16 year old girl, here’s a list of ‘ships:

Old ‘Ships

Cid Highwind/Tifa Lockheart – I can’t for the life of me remember why. I think it was this epic, amazing fanfic I read years ago.

Reeve Tuesti/Yuffie Kisaragi – Because they’re total opposites but they used to hang out when he was Cait Sith and he’s a hot dude in real life and eventually she turns 18 and he needs to lighten the fuck up and she’s the head of his core of spies anyway.

Auron/Rikku – Gross gross gross, but I read this amazing fanfic about it. I am gross.

Auron/Braska/Jecht – Because they are the slashiest.

Cloud/Zack – Practically canon. (Cloud/Sephiroth was so overdone it made my eyes roll to the back of my head.)

Discord/Ares/Strife/Deimos – Why? Because they’re incestuous as fuck and it’s just a fact.

Andrew/Warren – Why? Because it was practically canon. (Ok, so Andrew’s abiding fucked up love was canon. Warren’s was not.)

Buffy/Spike – Because it was toyed with so long and then happened in Season 6 and I and everyone cheered at yet another fucked up but amazing ‘ship.

Angel/Spike/Drusilla/Darla –  (But Angel and Spike have never been intimate! Apart from that one time…)

Xena/Ares – Because even Xena and Gabrielle’s love can’t erase the oodles of UST that was, in fact, canon. Ares’ abiding fucked up love for Xena was canon. Xena’s occasional make-outs with him were, too. Come on, people. You can hate him all you want, but they are smoking hot together. (RIP Kevin Smith)

Frodo/Sam – Because they have been slashy since 1954.

Merry/Pippin – Because incest is best.

Ford/Arthur – He rescues Arthur from the Vogons and then endures his bullshit for years. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. (Platonic love, but Ford’s pansexual in my head!canon, anyway.)

Moderately Old ‘Ships

Starbuck/Leoben – Because it is impossible for me to like any pairing that’s remotely healthy.

Baltar/Every Six ever, but mostly Caprica – Because it is impossible for…etc etc, see above. And it was canon anyway.

Luigi/Amber – Obscure movie. More incest. So wrong. Very likely. (Not if you used to read “Luigi’s” old Twitter feed, however, where he pretty much explicitly stated Pavi was just kidding.)

Doctor/Romana – Because it happened, dammit! Even if it’s not canon, we know it was. But that’s probably because he acted ‘shippy with Lala Ward ‘cuz they were married. (Fun Fact: Lala Ward and Baker divorced. Later she married Richard Dawkins. Yes, big time atheist guy. I sort of met him one time.)

Doctor/Sarah Jane – Didn’t happen, but now we know she was in love with him her whole life. Sarah!! /hugs

Doctor/Rose – Because it’s canon and they’re darling. But now I want to punch them in the face. Yes, we know, we know. Your true loves are, basically, your late wife (I assume), Rose and your new wife. (And River will pretty much out-do the other two because she’s stuck in an epic time loop with you.)

Doctor/Donna – Because it squicks everyone in Doctor Who fandom ever.

Doctor/Amy – Because we were all in denial and that’s why fanfiction exists anyway.

Doctor/Master – Because it’s obvious.

Xev/Stan – Because someone has to squick out everyone else in the world, and that person is me. This would even squick out Xev and Stan, and Stan spent the entire series trying to get her to fuck him. I think the shock of her actually doing so would do him in.

Fairly Recent ‘Ships

Jeff/Annie – Because it’s canon and it needs to happen for real and I suspect the show will end with it happening but it’ll really end with Jeff/Britta happening and I will cry.

Regina/Jefferson – Because it happened, dammit! And if not, it still happened in my fanfiction.

Brodie/Carrie – Because I can’t ever like a functional couple ever.

Annie/Mitchell – Because they were a lovely, tragic couple and now they’re both dead and make me cry.

Hal/Cutler – Totally banged once. It was rough and there was biting but Cutler loved it. Yup. I should write that fanfic.

Eric/Sookie – I am unapologetically Team Eric, which is pointless now since Bill is a demon and it’s obviously Team Eric from here on out, so…

Jaina/Thrall – Come on. Totally tragic.

Rincewind/anyone – Because that guy deserves to get laid.


Nick/Jess, from New Girl!


Nancy/Andy, from Weeds – Because of their bond…which was sooo dysfunctional

Bernard/Fran, from Black Books – Because it’s criminal

Roy/Jen, from The IT Crowd – Because it would never work but I wrote fanfiction anyway

Tim/Daisy, from Spaced – Because it’s quirky love

Vince/Howard, from The Mighty Boosh – Because they’re slashy

Jess/Jason, from True Blood – Because they…they…They care about each other and are drop dead gorgeous! (Also, apparently, Jess got over her hymen issue with him. Um…Retcon, maybe.)

Stuff we conveniently ignore

Posted this on Tumblr:

So, when I first watched “Once Upon a Time” upon its premiere last year, I took at face value the fact that Storybrooke was frozen at 8:15 for 28 years.

But then you consider Henry, who has left Storybrooke to find Emma, and other than his suspicions that his town is bizarrely fucked up (my words, not the child’s), it seems he has had a “normal” childhood. He has quite obviously aged from a baby to 10.

Regina has also experienced 28 years, and we can assume the reason she adopted Henry was because she was lonely. And the reason anyone let her adopt Henry was because his bio-mom could break the Curse.

While Regina has been young for 28 years, and had a peaceful life, which is what she wanted, ultimately, along with Snow White being punished by being separated from Prince Charming, and all the people of FairyTale Land once again under her control, it seems Regina has also experienced time normally, especially while she was raising her son. She enrolled him in school, and tried to get him to play with other kids, and go to therapy. If it really was 8:15 until Emma crossed the border, how was such a thing possible?

Henry would, I assume, notice being stuck in a Bill Murray movie, and not only grow up with a strained relationship with his mother, but a bit of a craziness as well. You can only erase someone’s real memories so much. And since Regina is so protective of her son, I can only assume she wouldn’t fuck with his brain like that.

So it can’t be the exact same day, over and over and over. It doesn’t make sense for Regina or Henry. Surely she would get as sick of it as Bill Murray, and her son would be adversely affected as well.

So that was confusing, to me. You could say everyone in Storybrooke was frozen – literally frozen, and not just young forever – but that just is so very strange if Regina and Henry had a normal 10 years.

Then you have Jefferson. He is literally the only other person in Storybrooke, other than Regina, to (A) retain his memory and (B) experience all 28 years fully, merely frozen young. And (C), unique to his own predicament, have memories of a life born and raised normally on Earth as well.

(It’s really fucked up I ‘ship the two of them, considering she hated him so much to curse him with, basically, being Bill Murray in that Groundhog Day situation. Except hot. And dissociative. But I ‘ship young!them, so it’s okay. Sort of. Not really.)

Emma talks to Jefferson and gets the impression he is in that very situation – Sonny and Cher song and all. He seems that way, as well. He conveys it that way to her. But it still doesn’t make any sense if Regina experienced those 28 years and, for the most part, actually enjoyed it.

Imagine you are Regina and you are stuck in such a condensed time loop. You’d go mad, as well.

So I don’t think it was the same minute or same day. I think it was more nuanced than that. But it doesn’t make any sense.

We all ended up writing fanfiction with scenes from during that 28 years that conveys it differently, like I did, that they’re stuck in the sort of time loop that doesn’t fuck with your head quite so much as Bill Murray’s is in Groundhog Day, or totally frozen at 8:15, either. I could have accepted it having been 8:15 forever if Henry hadn’t aged. But he did.

I dunno if the writers said something about it, or if I even want to know. Anybody know?

She bakes apple pies and puts on a vinyl cat suit

Colin Shea: I don’t know why you care so much about your number anyway.

Ally Darling: You guys all have this ideal girl in your minds, and if our number gets too high, we can’t be that girl.

Colin Shea: The ideal girl. Tell me about her.

Ally Darling: You know, you can take her home to the family, she’s smart, but not smarter than you, and she bakes apple pies with your mom and plays catch with your handicapped sister. But then when you’re alone, she takes off her glasses and puts on a vinyl cat suit and fucks you sideways.

Colin Shea: That girl doesn’t exist. If she did, I’d be sleeping with her. And what kind of guy cares about how many people you slept with anyway?

Ally Darling: Decent guys.

-from “What’s Your Number”


I wish my grandparents would let me spread my mother’s ashes.

They won’t let me touch the urn or move it or do anything with it, because it is not mine to take or do what I want with it. I suppose that stands to reason, considering they are human remains, but it feels so unfinished, and it has felt that way for 17 long years. That urn has sat there for 17 years and I have always wanted to grab it and unscrew the bottom and let her fly into the wind.

But this would happen, probably. Just my luck. 🙂