More shit that shouldn’t have crossed my mind

I was trying to figure out the timeline of this goddamn show. I’m now basing it on the timeline someone on Tumblr drew up. Now we have “The Cricket Game” taking place just before the wedding scene in the pilot AND before “The Price of Gold,” so where the fuck that puts it, I have no idea. Somewhere before the rest of the pilot and the events of “The Thing You Love Most.”

In “The Cricket Game,” Regina is captured and released by Snow and Charming after Rumple helps them defeat her. Then Rumple offers to help HER. (Um, ‘kay.)

In the pilot, Regina taunts them at her wedding.

In “The Price of Gold” Snow and Charming capture Rumple.

In “The Thing You Love Most,”  Regina talks to Maleficent about the wedding she just crashed and then steals the curse from her. About nine months later (?), she tries to cast the Dark Curse but it doesn’t work. Regina goes to see an imprisoned Rumple and realizes she has to kill her father. She kills her father.

EDIT: The person on Tumblr switches these two episodes around, which actually makes a lot more sense. But then again, Regina says “love is weakness,” to her not-really-dead mother. She told her father in “The Cricket Game” that he was the only person she loves. If he’s still alive and she still doesn’t know he’s the one she needs to kill to enact the Curse, why is she so depressed/mournful? 

In “Queen of Hearts,” Regina notices (or has she planned/foreseen this?) Hook breaking into her castle to rescue/kill Belle. She hires Hook to kill her mother Cora for her. He goes to Wonderland and ends up working for Cora. He comes back with Cora’s body and Regina says a tearful goodbye to her. It is heavily implied (or was supposed to be obvious?) she has already killed her father. Hook breaks Cora out of the tomb and they hightail it…somewhere, and Cora puts a protective bubble around them.

Back in “The Thing You Love Most,” Regina casts the Dark Curse.

Back in the pilot, Regina goes to Snow’s castle to try and kill the baby, and gloat, or whatever. The Curse is enacted but baby Emma and that little shit Pinocchio have been transported to our world by the Wardrobe.

Got it? Good.

So when the fuck did “Hat Trick” happen?

(As the world rolls its eyes at me.)

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Duh, I know it’s some point before “The Cricket Game,” because Regina is with her father and still has clout and shit. People still respect her, she still has wealth and power. She’s feared by everybody. Snow hasn’t fought a rebellion against her yet. EDIT: Jefferson calls her “the Queen,” so it may even be before Snow and Charming’s wedding with Lancelot and Charming’s mom, because that’s when their rebellion has already begun. 

How old is Grace? That little shit. Your age is a plot hole. When do little girls stop playing with toy rabbits? I forget.

EDIT: If Grace is still the same age in Storybrooke as she is in FTL – because, duh, the actress is the same age – then it’s not much after “Hat Trick” that Regina casts the Dark Curse. I goofed in “Only Sometimes” (along with every single other goof, all of which glaringly stand out to me because I am fucking mental) by having Jefferson tell Regina he had been stuck in Wonderland “for years.” It’s true in Caroll’s original novel and in a lot of people’s head!canon that time functions very differently in Wonderland than in other worlds, so he would have been stuck there for years, even if it had only been two years back in FTL. If Grace really is supposed to be only two years younger in FTL than Storybrooke!Grace, that still fits, because a lot of shit goes down between “The Cricket Game” and the pilot, but only requires fitting about two pregnancies (Cinderella’s and Snow’s). Which is – dun dun dun, a little less than two years. (Give or take some months.)

I still have Jefferson say that he is Regina’s same age – 35 – in my other fanfics. And that 45 years have passed, in my head!canon, between the events of “The Doctor” and my fanfic “Fifty Years Late,” which is the present time in Season 2. It could be longer, but since Sebastian is only 30 and Lana is only 35, I don’t think Snow was on the run for very long.

EDIT to my EDIT: Between 15 and 18 years have passed between “Stable Boy” and the pilot. If Snow is supposed to be between 28 and 30 when she has Emma, and she is 12 when Regina marries Leopold…

Lana says Regina was 18 when she married Leopold. 18 + 18 equals 32. EDIT: Actually, honey, that’s 36. In my other shitty fanfiction, Jefferson is 21 when Regina is 18. So that makes him 3 years older than her, making him…dun dun dun…

35.

So it all works out. Sort of. Maybe.

Edit 3: If Snow is 28, then 16 years have passed. So that makes Regina 34. So whatever, they’re the same age. No one keeps track. In another shitty fanfic I have them say that they’re both 21 around the time they break up. Fuck me.

Edit 4: And in my shitty fanfiction, I explicitly say multiple times that 15 years have passed between “The Doctor” and the pilot.

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Once upon a time…there was a family in Chicago…

I’m not sure who my audience here is, but I made a few new friends on Tumblr who I don’t want actually reading my raw, un-processed feels about Once Upon a Time.

I already wrote over there how awesome Shameless was last night, and I have to say here, as well, that OUAT couldn’t hold a candle to the feels I got watching the last bit of the Season 2 marathon. HOLY FUCK those last three episodes were intense. Between Karen’s baby and Monica’s suicide attempt, Fiona losing her chance at a new job and a new life, Mandy’s pregnancy and did I mention every single minute with Monica? My heart was all over the place and tears were pouring down my cheeks. What’s gonna happen now? Hopefully more funny things like the subplot with Jody and Sheila. I hope Sheila’s kinkiness doesn’t break them up. It seemed like they were really falling in love with each other. The subplot with Steve’s wife was funny until Marco hurt her. Now Fiona’s got eight other people under her roof. Augh!

As for Once Upon a Time, I go into this latter half of the season with no particular expectations, except more madness from Tumblr and the Evil Regals. I’m an Evil Regal 4 life, now. But oh my god, it’s just a show. If they’re going to be sexist and redeem Rumplestiltskin, they’ve got to go back and redeem Regina too. They’ve worked A LOT HARDER to show the humanity beneath her. That was in this fucking episode!! Snow White believing she could be good, then doing that “test” Rumple suggested. Evil Queen Regina was the worst, I’m sorry. She really was all over the place with her hatred. Now in Storybrooke, she’s trying to be a good woman, and Cora, that fucking mental case, has ruined it all. Irrevocably. Even when Archie comes back (someone’s gonna rescue him, it’s television conventions, since they didn’t actually have the balls to kill him), Henry will still be so affected by the revelation – no matter how false – that his mother is a murderer.

I know people from adoptive families – parents and children – are up in arms, and have been since the very beginning of the series, about the Emma x Regina x Henry plot, but I still don’t bear any disgust for Mama Bear Emma (or Snow and Charming, who by the way, are gross, but adorably gross. Seriously get a fucking wall, oh my god). Maybe my sister would, I don’t know. I had friends in school who were from adoptive families (what do you call them? just plain “families,” actually) and I was adopted too, sort of, but the Shameless plot with Fiona and Monica is much more close to home. Then again, watching Monica, I am filled with pity and disgust, and more than a little bit of loathing. My mother was closer to Fiona in the parenting spectrum than Monica. Karen throwing her own child away (and the grandmother taking him) was also very different. Monica didn’t try at all. She earned money, she kept her own “squirrel fund.” I don’t know how broke she made herself buying tons of overpriced toys for me – as many as she could carry in one car – like Monica did for Debbie in her manic state. I still have a strong feeling my mother kept enough aside for rent. For one thing, she never stole her money. (I don’t know if “never” is the right word, but I have a suspicion that if she ever did anything illegal to get money, it was possibly selling drugs? I’ve made up a whole disgusting history of my mother’s secret life based on like three facts. I’m the disgusting one by wondering. Maybe. Possibly.) My mother never bought cars out of nowhere and I bet she even tried to get her expensive drugs on discount. My mother tried to change, my grandmother insists – more like Regina than Monica, who doesn’t make any effort whatsoever.

The thing about Monica that is so heartbreaking is Frank really does, truly love her. Frank can’t hold himself together any more than she can, however. But she has manic depression. He’s just a flat-out drug addict. He can’t even comprehend the depths of her depression. Frank can’t ever handle anything, so he walks out when she slits her wrists and leaves Fiona to deal with it. All he can do is desperately think up schemes to rescue his wife, while never addressing the real problem at all. It’s no wonder she runs off with Jenna Elfman’s character at the end. Monica’s misery is always tangled up with her family. Just avoiding them is her escape.

I should re-watch Season 2. I forget why Monica came back at all. Was it for her mother-in-law’s money?

Fiona is amazing, and Emmy Rossum is amazing, and even with that terrible accent she acts circles around everyone else in the whole goddamn show and oh man I’m tearing up just thinking about that scene where she finds the squirrel money gone and the house in disarray. She takes off her jacket and gets to cleaning, in those heels of hers and fancy skirt, her new job blown by her responsibilities and her disgustingly irresponsible parents.

I could say so much about Shameless and I probably will start writing about that, instead, when it resumes next week. Although Californication is actually a cheerier addition to my TV lineup this spring. And it has Tim Minchin and Maggie Grace in it this season, which should be interesting.

I feel kinda like Californication has dragged on too long. This is its sixth season! But I can’t get enough of David Duchovny. He IS Hank Moody and he IS Fox Mulder, and while being pigeonholed as only two characters, he had the blessing of it being two polar opposites. God bless Tom Kapinos and the casting directors of that show. Duchovny got his groove back.

Holy fuck, I still can’t believe it’s the sixth season.

I also still can’t believe I’m 28 and still living with my parents making less than minimum wage and writing about TV shows, instead of living hard in LA making TV shows.

As for Once Upon a Time, the scene of Snow and Charming’s kids walking in on them fucking should have evoked more laughs and horror from me, instead of my mental calculations going…

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“IT’S THE NEXT DAY? So that means there WAS time for Regina and Jefferson to fuck!”

/facepalm

Not that my dialogue – (and every single other piece of dialogue and every dialogue and thing ever) – in “The Scent of Apples” wasn’t still inaccurate and terrible. There’s no way Tom Clark is going to associate himself with the other six dwarves. Also, Regina’s day hanging around her house feeling sorry for herself would have, in canon, gone more like this: 

Regina gets no text from Henry.

Regina gets text from Emma.

Regina makes lasagna with red pepper flakes. 

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But then again, there’s still this

Regina wakes up hungover on couch

Jefferson gets the fuck out of there as fast as possible

Regina is sad like “yeah? well fuck you”

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There’s always some way to shoe-horn fanfiction in. I refuse to see any of it jossed…

Ironically enough…

…(and I just used the word “ironically” incorrectly)…

Ironically enough, as much as Tumblr is focused on “Random Stupid Shit,” I still feel obligated, now, to cease doing that over there on my Tumblr blog. It’s a new year, and I’ve done that since March.

Over here on WordPress, however, I still feel like I can do what-the-fuck-ever. So here’s a story…

Once upon a time, there was a queen…

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Okay, I guess she feels it’s unnecessary to describe her.  Anyway, she lived in a castle…

 

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And Eris couldn’t find a picture of a castle so let’s pretend she lived in Dalaran.

Anyway, this beautiful queen couldn’t get anyone to come to her parties because they were kinda afraid she’d murder them.

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So she was all like, “What did I do wrong? I only killed 10,000 people. I swear that’s it (for now).”

Everyone in the court was like, “Fuck, we gotta get some guests for this party before we lose our heads too.”

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They weren’t quite sure what to do about it, though.

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“Can we really just force people to come? By law?”

 

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They decided to ask the Queen’s ex-girlfriend what to do.

The Ex was no help.

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“Really? After she firebombed that whole city? Who will come to the party? Aren’t they all dead already?”

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“It’s up to you,” they said. “You distract her while we think of a plan.”

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“By distract,” the Queen’s ex-girlfriend said, “Do you mean have sex with?”

 

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Meanwhile, the Queen was like…

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but tried to give Emma an equally amazing orgasm and she was like…

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Her ex-boyfriend was peeking in the window all like…

 

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The Queen’s advisor was like

 

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“Okay okay, listen up. We considered having some kind of party gift for every guest.”

And so the Queen’s advisor started naming shit like…

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The ex-boyfriend shot that idea down, all like…

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“What about a panda cub for every guest?”

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“Aren’t those going extinct?” he asked.

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Meanwhile, in the boudoir, stuff like this was going on:

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And things like this:

 

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It was decided that the only reasonable path to a successful outcome would be…

COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF LIQUOR

Word went out throughout the kingdoms that there would be the kegger to end all keggers at the Queen’s castle that night.

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Even Maleficent was all like…

 

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This required obtaining some, however.

 

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Facebook check-in’s were flying back with, “We’ll give it a shot,” and “We’re taking our best wizards with us just in case and our fire proof underwear,” and “It better be fucking open bar and not BYOB…”

The Queen’s court was relieved but also in even more urgent trouble. Not only would the Queen be mad if things went south, but so would the people from all over the land (or rather, all the neighboring kings within driving distance).

“Where are we going to get enough food and drinks to cater a ball like this?”

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“We’ll go get you some and be right back!”

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But then it didn’t work…

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“WAIT! I know another guy who could help us…” one of the kitchen staff.

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The others laughed at her and at the ex-boyfriend.

“If we can’t get a lift to the store in his stupid hat, what makes you think we can get help from an invisible ladder?”

Then a wild Doctor appeared.

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“You need booze? That’s not really my department. I don’t really drink the stuff…”

“Oh, no!” cried the Queen’s advisor. “You were our last hope!”

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“Please, Doctor! We just don’t want to lose our heads…”

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“I’m just fucking with ya,” the Doctor said. “I have a time machine that’s bigger on the inside. I will get us the liquor and food you need before the guests arrive.”

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The Queen’s advisor was all like…

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The girl from the kitchen was all like…

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Off the TARDIS went to prepare the festivities

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The court started drinking early for courage

 

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But the ex-boyfriend heard the Queen coming back down from her sexins with her now-girlfriend-again

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“You fools,” he said, sexily.

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“I just got laid,” the Queen said. “And I’m in love.”

 

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Her girlfriend wasn’t really sure what to say about that…

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The Doctor returned with a bunch of bewildered guests and surprised the Queen enough for all to resolved later, however…

 

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There would be no murders that night. Everybody was having too good a time.

 

 

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Except the Queen’s advisor, who was still all like…

 

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And  the Doctor was all like…

“Peace out, yo.”

 

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And Eris was like

 

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and went to bed.

 

 

New Year’s Resolution – Be a more interesting blogger

I was always of the “Jot down whatever the fuck you’re thinking” school of writing, but this is quite clearly not an effective form of communication. LiveJournal seemed like a good idea at the time because I was sixteen at the time. It was a public (my grandmother tore her hair out for years over me airing all my dirty laundry all over the Internet) forum by which I could tell the story of my life to anyone who wanted to read it (which was no one, but they all had the option) – as it was happening! I came to realize, of course, that LiveJournal, along with every blog on the World Wide Web, is an egotistical/narcissistic/exhibitionist form of expression that is really not interesting to read nor it is a particularly good habit to get into. ON THE OTHER HAND…when you’re talking about shows or sex or other things from experience…

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Well, yes, Eris. Didn’t The Blogger say to you that tense day back in February, while you furiously texted her from your favorite diner…That you should start a blog that’s about something. Something you care about like vulvodynia or mental illness or even movie reviews? Isn’t hers a comedic sex blog? You yourself search for blogs by topic

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Ultimately it always came down to me just writing diaries, and then getting so good at it (this current entry not withstanding) that I thought I might as well shout it out. Like in that cartoon making fun of Twitter…

I was doing a chain letter/survey/blog/game thing (goddamn, you can only guess how much that reminds me of MySpace and LiveJournal) and trying to figure out who to tag/forward it to, and I discovered that the people Following me (I felt really awkward tagging any of the BNF’s I follow) have just as pointless blogs as mine. So it’s nothing to feel bad about, over there.

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Then again, I was talking to the Scientist and just asking people their New Year’s Resolutions, like I was doing at work today (where I discovered my coworker only got 3 hours of sleep and was sort of just stumbling around in a daze as my fellow cashier for five hours). Anyway, I was like, “What the fuck do I do, anyway?” And he’s like, “Well, you need to find the sort of publications you like, and write shit for them, and then submit it.” He said it nicer than that, but it’s essentially the same thing all my previous writing professors said before…

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But I’m like, “Noooo, that’s too much effort…”

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Like a lot of things I decide to never try, even before I fail them…

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…WTF was I saying? Oh, yeah. I was going through my huge, new GIF folder trying to play with animated GIFs to illustrate my thoughts, and got distracted by shiny things, like I always do…

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I mean seriously, I stole have some great GIFs. Like ones of my OTP. Watch Regina’s face…

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She’s having none of that Mad Queen crap.

And then there’s this guy. I don’t even know what’s happening here:

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But as you probably know, my self-deprecation this early into the year is…

Well, it’s not just starting the year off on the wrong foot. It’s starting the year off on the wrong…leg. (I need to fucking sleep, don’t I?)

I was quite cheerful and happy at work today! Goddamn, that’s rare! I felt all sorts of hope and warm feelings about the new year, as though this symbolic change of the calendar were some kind of magic in and of itself. (Except the fact that I owe $1,500 a.s.a.p and really wish I hadn’t bought those three dildos when one would have sufficed. That would have been $100 back in my pocket. One of many humiliating things I’ve decided to tell the whole Internet: I was like the Goldilocks of dildos this December.)

Another private thing I told the whole Internet – Over on Tumblr, this girl was writing about the poor representation of psychology and psychiatry in Once Upon a Time, arguing that they’ve done it a disservice by using it as a plot device, and not only that, but portraying it as a punishment for Henry and something only the “bad” characters need (when Regina goes to Archie for advice later on). Whereas all the Charmings could certainly use some help. (Not necessarily from Archie, who is a mess himself, but his knowledge for sure. She says in her entry that they can all use help, and that as far as she knows, you don’t have to be mentally ill to need or get use out of therapy, and you shouldn’t be seen as “weak” for needing it either. I agreed, but told her and her Followers I had to put my own two cents in because she concluded her entry with the clarification that she’s still a teenager learning from her textbooks in Psych 101. So I was like, “Well honey, here’s a story for you…” and wrote about bipolar, being conditioned that seeking psychologists is weak or unnecessary, and also the feeling of being defective and “crazy” that you can sometimes feel from being sent to or being in therapy. Parents who don’t think their children even need it. Children who don’t think they need it either.

I was a lot more eloquent over there, swear to God, but you get my meaning. 99% I spend my time on Tumblr playing around re-blogging fandom shit, and then 1% I’m writing fanfiction or saying the occasional interesting thing. Sometimes people message me like, “Your blog is so funny!” By sometimes, I mean twice. But anyway, I’m like, “Seriously? It is full of the most random shit to ever grace God’s green earth…”

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