Lord of the Rings: Return of the King flashback – December 2003/January 2004

Our story begins with my purchase of The Two Towers on DVD.

Icon: way too easily amused
subject: *turns into Strong Bad* The Two Towers special D v D
eventtime: 2003-11-30 13:37:00
itemid: 2966
There are a shitload of deleted scenes, just like with Fellowship, which I wish they hadn’t cut out and am glad were put back in. I understand that a person doesn’t want to sit in a movie theater for four hours, so yeah, the movie was trimmed a bit.And my favorite scene they cut out? Merry and Pippin (nach) after the battle at Isengard finding some poor soul’s secret stash of pipeweed…the best in South Farthing! I cannot believe this is just tobacco, the way those hobbits’ faces lit up and they made all kinds of excuses of why they shouldn’t tell anybody about their find. And an ent like walks over and sees all this smoke pouring out of this dilapidated house along with giggling. Merry and Pippin are total stoners. lol. I heart them muchly.

I ask if it’s December 17th yet, which is the premiere of Return of the King. Then I talk about stalking my ex-boyfriend JP, or something.

Then I have a crisis of faith about being an English major. (Duh.)

I write out some fantasies of murdering my roommate and share them with the Internet.

The night I picked a fight with those three cigarette smoker girls after the buses stop running happens. (I even remembered that without reading the entry!) I recall I crawled into The Stoner’s bed and tried to hoard his body heat and radiator. The radiator always bugged him because it was right next to his mattress.

HAHA, OMG! Then the incident happened – one I was recalling recently – when The Stoner put a fake parking sticker on his car, it got towed, I didn’t have a car, so we took the bus together to pay the fine and then go get it back from the impound lot, at night, with no idea how to get there.

I don’t understand why I’m perfectly calm and cool while other people’s worlds are falling apart, and I freak out/break down when stupid little shit happens to me. Hmm…It was kind of funny, but [The Stoner] really is hurting. *sigh*

Dominic Monaghan and Orlando Bloom “quite randomly kiss.” (I suspect it was to make fun of all the RPS.)

THEN THE DAY ARRIVES

‘Ship List (Why are we fascinated by romance and sex?)

Wrote this on Tumblr:

Because I have the uncanny ability to transform myself back into a 16 year old girl, here’s a list of ‘ships:

Old ‘Ships

Cid Highwind/Tifa Lockheart – I can’t for the life of me remember why. I think it was this epic, amazing fanfic I read years ago.

Reeve Tuesti/Yuffie Kisaragi – Because they’re total opposites but they used to hang out when he was Cait Sith and he’s a hot dude in real life and eventually she turns 18 and he needs to lighten the fuck up and she’s the head of his core of spies anyway.

Auron/Rikku – Gross gross gross, but I read this amazing fanfic about it. I am gross.

Auron/Braska/Jecht – Because they are the slashiest.

Cloud/Zack – Practically canon. (Cloud/Sephiroth was so overdone it made my eyes roll to the back of my head.)

Discord/Ares/Strife/Deimos – Why? Because they’re incestuous as fuck and it’s just a fact.

Andrew/Warren – Why? Because it was practically canon. (Ok, so Andrew’s abiding fucked up love was canon. Warren’s was not.)

Buffy/Spike – Because it was toyed with so long and then happened in Season 6 and I and everyone cheered at yet another fucked up but amazing ‘ship.

Angel/Spike/Drusilla/Darla –  (But Angel and Spike have never been intimate! Apart from that one time…)

Xena/Ares – Because even Xena and Gabrielle’s love can’t erase the oodles of UST that was, in fact, canon. Ares’ abiding fucked up love for Xena was canon. Xena’s occasional make-outs with him were, too. Come on, people. You can hate him all you want, but they are smoking hot together. (RIP Kevin Smith)

Frodo/Sam – Because they have been slashy since 1954.

Merry/Pippin – Because incest is best.

Ford/Arthur – He rescues Arthur from the Vogons and then endures his bullshit for years. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. (Platonic love, but Ford’s pansexual in my head!canon, anyway.)

Moderately Old ‘Ships

Starbuck/Leoben – Because it is impossible for me to like any pairing that’s remotely healthy.

Baltar/Every Six ever, but mostly Caprica – Because it is impossible for…etc etc, see above. And it was canon anyway.

Luigi/Amber – Obscure movie. More incest. So wrong. Very likely. (Not if you used to read “Luigi’s” old Twitter feed, however, where he pretty much explicitly stated Pavi was just kidding.)

Doctor/Romana – Because it happened, dammit! Even if it’s not canon, we know it was. But that’s probably because he acted ‘shippy with Lala Ward ‘cuz they were married. (Fun Fact: Lala Ward and Baker divorced. Later she married Richard Dawkins. Yes, big time atheist guy. I sort of met him one time.)

Doctor/Sarah Jane – Didn’t happen, but now we know she was in love with him her whole life. Sarah!! /hugs

Doctor/Rose – Because it’s canon and they’re darling. But now I want to punch them in the face. Yes, we know, we know. Your true loves are, basically, your late wife (I assume), Rose and your new wife. (And River will pretty much out-do the other two because she’s stuck in an epic time loop with you.)

Doctor/Donna – Because it squicks everyone in Doctor Who fandom ever.

Doctor/Amy – Because we were all in denial and that’s why fanfiction exists anyway.

Doctor/Master – Because it’s obvious.

Xev/Stan – Because someone has to squick out everyone else in the world, and that person is me. This would even squick out Xev and Stan, and Stan spent the entire series trying to get her to fuck him. I think the shock of her actually doing so would do him in.

Fairly Recent ‘Ships

Jeff/Annie – Because it’s canon and it needs to happen for real and I suspect the show will end with it happening but it’ll really end with Jeff/Britta happening and I will cry.

Regina/Jefferson – Because it happened, dammit! And if not, it still happened in my fanfiction.

Brodie/Carrie – Because I can’t ever like a functional couple ever.

Annie/Mitchell – Because they were a lovely, tragic couple and now they’re both dead and make me cry.

Hal/Cutler – Totally banged once. It was rough and there was biting but Cutler loved it. Yup. I should write that fanfic.

Eric/Sookie – I am unapologetically Team Eric, which is pointless now since Bill is a demon and it’s obviously Team Eric from here on out, so…

Jaina/Thrall – Come on. Totally tragic.

Rincewind/anyone – Because that guy deserves to get laid.

EDIT!

Nick/Jess, from New Girl!

EDIT2!

Nancy/Andy, from Weeds – Because of their bond…which was sooo dysfunctional

Bernard/Fran, from Black Books – Because it’s criminal

Roy/Jen, from The IT Crowd – Because it would never work but I wrote fanfiction anyway

Tim/Daisy, from Spaced – Because it’s quirky love

Vince/Howard, from The Mighty Boosh – Because they’re slashy

Jess/Jason, from True Blood – Because they…they…They care about each other and are drop dead gorgeous! (Also, apparently, Jess got over her hymen issue with him. Um…Retcon, maybe.)

Never the same

I forgot, I wrote this on Tumblr
Ya know what’s a shame?

I don’t remember the name of the girl who lent me my first Discworld book. :-\

It was 2004. We were sophomores in undergrad. She lived in the dorm room next door, and I would come in and bitch and moan about my life, so she handed me The Color of Magic and that was it, I was sold…

I read every single one of her books. She didn’t have them all, so I went and either got them from the school library or bought them. I accumulated most of them.

And it’s not like I read them once and never did again. No, I’ve read them MULTIPLE times, off and on, over the years. They’re my safe place.

I have depression, and in college I was a mess. I kept having the problem that semester that my roommate would blast her awful music (haha!) and I couldn’t focus on reading anything but LiveJournal, practically. But I could read those books anywhere. (Even if a palace was falling down around me? Ehh…)

The only disappointment is knowing what happens already, heh. Especially with The Watch books, where there are mysteries. But ya know? I love the characters best, and the vibrant world, and it’s hopeless, I could never write like that. That blend of humor and drama and I don’t know what. So entertaining and comforting over the years.

I feel so sad about what happened/is happening to Terry. But I’m so glad he wrote those books. Back during my darkest depression, I wonder if he saved my life…

edit: Okay, I remember this much: she was blonde, her name was “Sam,” she used to let us come in and watch “Sex in the City,” “Inuyasha” and play Grand Theft Auto, she did study abroad in Japan, she had pet mice and she was a Republican.

Thanks, girl!

Last of the Excerpts, Rincewind, Stanley Tweedle, and Why am I Awake?

Sourcery,  by Terry Pratchett, page 22-23

[Rincewind talks to the Librarian about his old dreams]

One of Rincewind’s tutors had said of him that “to call his understanding of magical theory abysmal is to leave no suitable word to describe his grasp of practice.” This had always puzzled him. He objected to the fact that you had to be good at magic to be a wizard. He knew he was a wizard, deep in his head. Being good at magic didn’t have anything to do with it. That was just an extra, it didn’t actually define somebody.

“When I was a little boy,” he said wistfully, “I saw this picture of a sourcerer in a book. He was standing on a mountain top waving his arms and the waves were coming right up, you know, like they do down in Ankh Bay in a gale, and there were flashes of lightning all around him – ”

“Oook?”

“I don’t know why they didn’t, perhaps he had rubber boots on,” Rincewind snapped, and went on dreamily, “And he had this staff and a hat on, just like mine, and his eyes were sort of glowing and there was all this sort of like glitter coming out of his fingertips, and I thought one day I’ll do that, and – ”

“Oook?”

“Just a half, then.”

“Oook.”

“How do you pay for this stuff? Every time anyone gives you any money you eat it.”

“Oook.”

“Amazing.”

Rincewind completed his sketch in the beer. There was a stick figure on a cliff. It didn’t look much like him – drawing in stale beer is not a precise art – but it was meant to.

“That’s what I wanted to be,” he said. “Pow! Not all this messing around. All this books and stuff, that isn’t what it should all be about. What we need is real wizardry.”

That last remark would have earned the prize for the day’s most erroneous statement if Rincewind hadn’t then said:

“It’s a pity there aren’t any of them around anymore.”

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Eris’ life, Discworld life, Ex-boyfriends and novellas

I have researched Tumblr far and wide!

(By which I mean actually looking at pretty and funny fanart, official art, and all kinds of fun stuff until a very late hour even though I’m supposed to get up early for my new exercise regime…)

I have tried to figure out what people found out about Rincewind’s life because I can’t ask Pterry myself and I don’t know if he said.

I didn’t read a bunch of the books so I don’t know what the potato thing is about.

I mean YES I know the potato thing, oh yes, we all know the potato thing.

But is it Word of God (that’s a fandom term for: “Oh hey Joss Whedon said this is canon and you shall not divert”, for example), that Rincewind is/was a virgin? (Because apparently according to Tumblr he’s shacking up with Ponder.)

Not that it matters. You can still, certainly, lose your virginity to Ponder. Feel free. He’s not doin’ anything down there with Hex. You will probably have to convince him, though.

I imagine Ponder could be gay. (I can’t imagine Rincewind gay except in regards to the whole Ponder slash!fic thing, I guess, maybe, possibly. I just read Sourcery again and so that doesn’t make any sense to me.)

And I imagine hooking up with Ponder would be almost as exhaustingly difficult (as in, trying to get that person actually out on a date or actually into bed) as it would be to try to hook up with Rincewind. Whatever age they are, in whatever universe.

I can imagine Ponder actually drawing up, maybe, some kind of pro/con list, and using very logical arguments for why they should shag, and Rincewind would just be like, dude, I just need to not feel like the world’s going to drop out from under me. Again. Like, breaking his heart would just be the needle that breaks the camel’s back at that point. Boring and safe, I think, is a life he embraced and then it all went topsy turvy as soon as Twoflower walked into his life and has/had never been the same since. And couldn’t be. Lady Luck (excuse me! She Who Shall Not Be Named) is his patron goddess. (Patroness?) And Lady Luck is a bitch.

What’s my point? Ponder slash? I could see a gay Ponder, although I remember he was like, “Wut?” about Macarona. (His name is Macarona. Yes, I know I’m supposed to write out all his titles as well, but let’s just say Macarona. He’s got a name like the dance. I’m almost positive that’s intentional. If it isn’t, I’m shocked.)

But one slasher was saying on her Tumblr blog, “Hang on, Rincewind having used to have sex (i.e. in the past) WAS RETCONNED?” And she was like, “That’s outrageous! What’s all this potato stuff!”

(Yes, he’s attracted to potatoes, but we mean before the whole potato nonsense. Before Sourcery! He’s trying very hard not to want to get in Conina’s pants throughout that book.)

I suppose more to the point that I don’t know tone or style or anything Pterry anyway, so it’s no point in telling the ether that I would even write fanfiction anymore for any fandom. I used to write the strangest stuff! I started when I was just a kid, even before I had access to a computer and briefly had just a typewriter. And YES, of course, notebooks. A pen and paper is all you really need in life. Well, yeah, and food. And shelter. And etc etc. And other people’s books and movies would help. And something to do, work, a hobby. And a lover. And a family’s nice, and even a dog. But you know what I mean. When you’re alone, at a loss, you just pick up a pad and pen and you’re all set. Off you go.

That was something a couple of my ex-boyfriends were into. My ex, Navy, as he’s called on here, wrote a novella! It was a fantasy story as well, and I read a couple of chapters but mainly his difficulty – and his joy! – was in trying to make it have a fully realized world of his own making, with its own rules. But we were only sixteen years old, and it’s hard. But eleven years later it’s still hard, so what do I know?

The Engineer (who I had to stop following on Facebook because all he ever talks about is his live-in girlfriend), wrote a book as well, in a similar manner to Navy. A novella. About dragons! What other things I can gather creeping on Facebook was that he was always a writer – I mean, he told me that way back when we were…were we dating? let’s just say sleeping together, and I was like, “Okay, Engineer, I will edit your first three chapters.” But then I never did, and he forgot anyway, and it’s okay. Fast forward to our late twenties and he’s involved with poetry nights and readings and things, and I can only assume that he continued writing. Maybe real life, maybe dragons. Navy didn’t end up writing about wizards and magic anymore, though, but I’m sure he’d look back fondly on it if you asked him.

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Sourcery

“There was something else I was trying to say,” said Rincewind, letting go of the hand. He looked blank for a moment, and then added, “Oh, yes. It’s vital to remember who you really are. It’s very important. It isn’t a good idea to rely on other people or things to do it for you, you see. They always get it wrong.”

-Rincewind in Sourcery by Terry Prachett

Sam Vimes

“Sam Vimes once arrested me for treason,” said Vetinari calmly. “And Sam Vimes once arrested a dragon. Sam Vimes stopped a war between nations by arresting two high commands. He’s an arresting fellow, Sam Vimes. Sam Vimes killed a werewolf with his bare hands, and carries law with him, like a lamp—”

“Where did all that come from?”

“Watchmen across half the continent will say that Sam Vimes is as straight as an arrow, can’t be corrupted, won’t be turned, never took a bribe.”

-Terry Pratchett, Thud

Rincewind’s sex life and I’m an awful person

I wrote before that there wasn’t much more mention of Rincewind’s love life than his potato fixation and past orgasms sometimes happening “with company.” (But no orgasm ever approximated that of magic actually coursing through him.)

I rediscovered the subplot in Sourcery where he falls in love with Conina but she’s oblivious and ditches him for Nijel.

During that book, Rincewind pretty much looks back like, “You used to bang chicks. What happened?” And is also head over heels for the girl.

But when she experiences love at first sight with Nijel, the narrator makes this comment that Rincewind felt he’d long ago passed this sort of thing by.

I think he used to bang chicks before Unseen University but never fell in love.

I am writing ‘fic about it.

I am awful, because instead of writing funny adventures through Ankh Morpork of him getting chased off by various things like fathers, brothers and husbands…(Golems? Vampires? I dunno. He spent his whole life running, it’s said.)

I wrote something about his mother and his childhood, and perhaps it will be about women, and that’s the entire theme as well as vignettes.

Trying to think of the theme of “running,” I had this idea that one lady would con him and steal all his money, one’s husband would try and get with *him*, and another lovely girl he finally falls in love with seems to be cursed and horrible things keep befalling him until she moves away.

I’ve already written a chapter where a girl uses teenage him just to lose her virginity, a “seamstress” gives him some unusual lessons, and finally he gets caught with a girl with an oral fixation resulting in her father and brothers chasing him over the rooftops. Unfortunately I’ve only figured out how to write the sex scenes.

And for some reason I went over and over them with a fine-toothed comb, trying to make them realistic and seem like real people. It’s weird, though, because I haven’t had sex in ages, and striking a balance between being disrespectful to, well, the books, and being porny, but not too porny, but just porny enough, is something I’ve been obsessing over this week and really shouldn’t be.

La la la…

More Eris Guilt and Disc Quotes

Unfortunate topic continued from “Rincewind’s sex life or lack thereof” and “Better Than Sex”

I’m just trying to piece together Rincewind’s past, k?

(If I post any of my OWN writing, it’s going on LiveJournal.)

(Oh my God, I’m going to do it, aren’t I? Just out of an old compulsion.)

So anyway, I discovered that many people wrote a lot of weird ‘fic about Sam Vimes.

Let me say something about Sam Vimes:

I was never quite sure about how I felt about Sam Vimes. He is my FAVORITE Discworld character. He is at the top; I love him to pieces.

I’m not sure if I want him to be my lover, or my father. Sometimes when I’m reading one of the Watch books, I swing both ways. He makes me very proud of the police, as a profession, and I then became very ashamed that my own grandfather’s life as a policeman didn’t fill me with the same pride!

Granted, I only started to get to know my grandfather once he’d retired from the force. But then again, he also had this thing very different from Vimes: It was a long time ago, but he said that for a while he turned a blind eye to police brutality. One thing I really appreciate about Sam Vimes is his strong moral/ethical compass. He can’t bear to see a position of power abused. It’s why he and Vetinari have so much friction. (Then again, Vimes recognizes Vetinari as being a fair man himself, in a way, because he is nothing like Snapcase. Vetinari also ensures the peace is kept – it’s why he enforces such strict rules on all the city guilds – partly by allowing Vimes to go so out of his way to seek justice. Or by using reverse psychology to nudge Vimes into seeking it.)

I think the only time Vimes ever committed some kind of act of violence he would normally abhor was when he was in berserker mode down underneath Koom Valley, and he was shouting out “Where’s my Cow?” and striking down those dwarves. But then again, it was a kill or be killed situation. Vimes is of the attitude that the only way to have a just (a just) police force is to follow the rules: you strike back when you have to, and if you can help it, you don’t use deadly force. For example, he won’t abide torture. One scene I can call to mind is when they trick this guy they’ve arrested into thinking someone’s being tortured in the next room. I think they only used bottles of beer? I forget.

I’ve been re-reading the books one by one again, as I do every so often since that fateful day the girl who lived next door to me my sophomore year of college handed me her copy of The Color of Magic. She let me borrow all the Discworld books she had (and Good Omens, too), and then I started buying my own. Rincewind became my favorite at first, and then he was surpassed by Granny Weatherwax, and then they were both evicted by Sam Vimes.

People wrote a lot of porny fanfiction about Sam Vimes. I read one, about his canon relationship with his wife Sybil. I read another one that was, like, PG, but paired him up with Angua, which is okay, because it was an AU, but still kinda weird.

There is a TON of Vetinari/Vimes slash out there, which considering their complicated relationship, you gotta expect. But I haven’t read any of it (yet).

So it’s not totally weird. Inappropriately porny Discworld fanfiction exists – respect, copyright or quality be damned. It just does.

I’m not sure why the plot bunnies even hopped into my garden. What was I even doing, to remember that quote from The Light Fantastic? I don’t really remember now, and it was only a few days ago. (!!)

I started reading Sourcery because I just read all the Witch books again and wanted some Rincewind (not that way!) but wasn’t feeling Color of Magic.

And then I came to another clue about his past, which is dumb, because it stands to reason that every man can look back on his youth and remember, “Oh yeah, I boned chicks. How could that have been so long ago?”

I am almost positive he was never in love, though. As annoyed by Conina and Nijel anyone would be, the narrator makes one very telling comment…

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