Maybe I’m crazy, or just making excuses

It’s sickening how lazy I am.

TL;DR – Eris misses The Kid, she can get a teaching job, she’s lazy and a user. Blah blah blah grad school.

When I left my hometown to get my masters degree, I was convinced it would be the catalyst for change that I needed. I would walk into those doors and discover the real Eris. One who was confident and could utilize her talents doing something fulfilling or at the very least something that made me money.

I would be forced to “grow up” by my stacking bills, and borrowed loan after borrowed loan. I would be living on my own, again, with a roommate from the school. I would pad across those wooden floors thinking, “This is MY house, and it is my responsibility.” I would bend down over books and study my ass off, spend time at the school shooting video and editing them into pieces of art. I would go to New York City and become an artist and eat ramen and find myself waiting there like the real Eris always was.

I would not end up back home lying in bed wandering waking dreams and wishing I was back in 2010 and not applying to school at all.

I worked at a store, back then, and I wasn’t on meds but I definitely had the option to start. I was surrounded by encouraging people also at a loss of what to do. I had no debt.

I kept thinking, “This is my last chance,” and signed up to take the GRE, whether I’d use it or not. I had been out of undergrad for three years, been to open houses for schools, and even dragged The Mechanic to an open house once. I think. Or maybe he just drove me.

(Years later I’d be at a party thrown by the rental house I worked at this summer and see the “dean” of that trade school there munching on barbecue chicken. I pulled my coworker aside and asked, “Who is that?” and was told. It brought memories from 2009 rushing back.)

I was convinced that a year at that trade school would be just what I needed to push myself back into the working world…

Continue reading